Glimpses of the Past
by Greensleeves89
Summary: Rin, I want you to hold this information close to your heart and remember it well. Fate will always play an active role in our lives. While we may think that we can outmaneuver fate, it will always catch up with us. Remember that fate will always know all about you. It will know your fears, your weaknesses, your strengths and your confidences.
1. Prologue

I thought it was weird. We did not like each other at all, merely tolerated each other because it was my late father's wishes. What could he have left for me? I looked around; already the sun was beginning its decent. The wind was cold and I pulled my jack tighter to my body. I think this winter will be colder than the previous one. Autumn was turning out to be bitterly cold. I quickened my pace. The sooner I got this over with, the sooner I would be at home enjoying my tea.

It has only been a year since the Fifth Holy Grail War. Life had returned to normal and yet I found it impossible to go back to my old routines. Had I matured? Perhaps, perhaps I had gained some wisdom. I did acknowledge that the previous Grail War had seriously forced me to reevaluate my priorities and me as a person. I thought about what had transpired during the War often. The mistakes I had made, my accomplishments, though they were few and far between. I had always questioned my decision to allow my servant, Archer, to sacrifice himself for Shirou, Saber and myself. To this day I wonder if it was the right move. It had ended my quest for the Grail premature and I could not fight to uphold the Tohsaka name. My father's foolish daughter had arrogantly thrown aside everything that she had trained her whole life for. I was sure that I had brought shame to the Tohsaka name and not the honour I desperately fought to restore.

I stopped and look at the ground. I wondered what would have happened if I, too, had chosen to remain with Archer until the end, whatever the end would have been instead of running like a coward. But that is fate I guess.

My father used to talk to me all the time about fate when I was growing up. Back when I was first starting to become accustomed to my abilities. I bet he believed that there would not be another Grail War in my lifetime, as the Grail requires a lot of time to generate another war. But he was doing his duty as head of my family. I caught myself starting to tear up. I missed my father every day. It had not gotten easier like I thought it would. Fate had willed my father to die in the Grail War. I looked to the sky and remembered what he often told me about our fate.

_Rin, I want you to hold this information close to your heart and remember it well. _

_Fate will always play an active role in our lives. While we may think that we can outmaneuver fate, it will always catch up with us. Remember that fate will always know all about you. It will know your fears, your weaknesses, your strengths and your confidences. It will always be ready. And it can be ready at the drop of a hat, for all, when the time is right. _

_Fate has the ability to move you like a simple pawn in its own game. It can sacrifice you for the good of others or remove your from places you should have never been at. Luck and chance are irrelevant. Fate will always be active and you will find in your life that it will pick on people. And you will wonder why. You may even begin to think that fate itself thinks too much, however remember: you are insignificant when it comes to fate. You may wish to control your own fate and you may find an opportune moment to do so. But be cautious, because that is when it will strike. _

_Remember well daughter. Fate is the greatest enemy of all and no one can escape theirs. _

I understood, even back then, what he meant, but I wondered why he said it at the time. He must have had a premonition of some magnitude that had willed him to give me the warning. And it was true. Over the course of my childhood, every word rang true to me.

I shook my head quickly. I did not like to dwell on the subject of my father for long. It still pained me to think of him. I focused my thoughts back on my Servant.

Archer…

He was so arrogant and cocky to think that he could have defeated the most infamous Greek hero of all.

I continued to walk as a small smile spread across my face. I was impressed that Archer was able to take so many of Berserker's lives. There was more to Archer than he let on. I admit I was furious when I had failed to summon Saber. I had worked so hard, trained so hard and to fail…it was not something I was accustomed to. I had always gotten what I wanted. I wondered if servants were paired with master of similar personalities. I admit that Archer had never failed to amaze me. And yet still I knew he was hiding things from me. My summoning of him did not jumble his memories, of that I was certain. But I promised him early on that I would not pry.

He was a proud servant, but that is to be expected of the Archer class. Notorious for being difficult to handle, prideful and can often act on their own accord. I had had to use a command seal when he first appeared in order for him to listen to me. I was furious. How soon the tables turned though. I knew he was furious with me when I had used another command seal to force him to vanish the first time he had encountered Saber. But I knew he was out matched. He could have easily been destroyed and ended my quest for the grail much earlier. Archer never let me hear the end of it.

I stopped in front of Kotomine Church. The mere sound of it disgusted me. Yet I longed to return to those times. Oddly I found them to be of comfort to me in my time of desperation.

I took a breath and felt the cold air numb me to my core. I was not ready to do this and yet I ready for this to end. Whatever he had willed to me I would toss out, I did not want it. I did not forgive him for what he did. Attempting to kill me. For what purpose other than to satisfy his carnal desires for destruction. It sickened me. I was please when I had given Shirou the Azoth dagger. I knew that Shirou would be successful in destroying him. And the satisfaction I gained from Kotomine being killed with that very Azoth dagger gifted to him by my father was unparalleled. Befitting a traitor. He had destroyed my family in my eyes.

It was the only time I had truly regretted allowing Archer to sacrifice himself. Kotomine was someone I thought I could trust. And yet he played me like a fool. Without Archer I felt helpless, I did not like feeling like that. I was angry that I had not sensed Kotomine's true nature. He knew that I would not have my guard up around him, making any moment an opportune moment to attack. But it was time to forget about Kotomine and his evils. Life moves on, and I too must do so.

I entered and looked around. Nothing had changed. Though, I was under the impression that it was being managed by a woman named Caren.

I called out and was greeted by Caren, she smiled at me and I returned the gestured. She showed me to what I can assume would have be Kotomine's office. She sat behind the modest desk placed in the middle of the room. It looked like this room could have used a good and thorough cleaning. It seemed that Caren was attempting that very thing, as the room did maintain a scent of lemon.

'Good evening Rin. I apologize for asking you here, as I'm sure it is the last place you wish to be at the moment.'

'I must admit that when you told me Kotomine had willed things to me, it was rather intriguing.'

Caren got up from the desk and pulled a rather deep box out from under a stack of papers. It was dusty and smelled stale. She handed it to me.

'There was a small will that stated this box was to be returned to you upon Kotomine's death. I do not know what it contains.'

I took the box in my hands. It was heavy, I took the lid off and found a box filled with papers, crinkled and stained. A journal as well. What was this mess? I fingered some of the papers that were in the box. Some of the script was written in a hurry.

'Thank you Caren. I can't imagine what this may be.' I stood up and she did as well. She followed me to the exit and I thanked her for her time.

I left that place as soon as I could and started my journey home.

I was getting ready for bed when I looked over at the box sitting on my desk in my room. What could it possibly be? And why did he leave it to me?

* * *

I tossed and turned for hours, unable to sleep. I sat up and my gaze was drawn to the box once again. The moonlight cast light on to it, beckoning me closer. I slowly got out of bed and walked over to the desk. I picked the box up and placed it under my arm.

I left my room and took it to the library placing it upon the desk that my father loved to sit at. The windows behind the desk allowed for the moonlight to come in unchallenged. I turned on the light to my right side and walked out towards the kitchen. I passed familiar photos of my family during more happy times. My beautiful mother and my father when they were young. Another of them on their wedding. It was not a happy portrait, though my mother had a smile that was sincere and my father, well, my father's smile was stoic in a sense. I stole a glance at the next one. All four of us. Sakura was just a baby; I was seated close to my mother who was also seated. My father had a hand placed on her shoulder protectively. I wished that we could have those moments back. That we could be a family once again. But when a mage has two children, they must choose only one to pass their knowledge onto. I was that one…

I pushed the thoughts from my mind and continued to the kitchen. If I was going to read those papers than I needed a cup of tea.

* * *

I set the tea back down on the table in the library. I looked at the box and took the lid off of it slowly. I moved some of the wrinkled papers out of the way and dug down further. I came across something cool in my hands and I lifted it up. I stared amazed. It was a leather book. The leather was faded in spots and I turned it over. The pages were crinkled and smelled stale. The more I examined it; a small scrap of paper fell out of it and onto my lap. I picked it up and opened the folded sheet.

The best of men cannot suspend their fate:

The good die early and the bad die late

~D.D

What an odd quote. Did it have another meaning? I was perplexed. I quickly decided that this would be a good start into looking into the life of Kotomine. But as I opened it something struck me as odd. The script in this book did not belong to Kotomine, of that I was sure. I slowly set my tea back on the table and felt tears in my eyes. The script before me belonged to my father. I had never seen this book before. And my father gave everything he had to me. I felt a knot in my stomach and it tightened at the thought of reading this.

Was it a spell book? Possibly. But I was certain he had given all the books on magic to me already, the most important one he gave me was on that day. Did he forget about any others? And why did Kotomine have something so personal among his affects? I thought perhaps because he was my father's student, and if it was a spell book, then it was only logical that he had it and forgotten about it.

I had so many questions, and no one to provide me with answers. It seemed the only way that I would seek answers was to discover this book. I allowed myself to get comfortable and opened it up to the first page. What I read would astound me.

* * *

~Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since I've been here…wow. Ok so new series, Fate. Loved it. Now this is a cross between FSN and FZ. Now I've looked everywhere for help as I go more into the FZ universe. I can't seem to find a reliable link to watch FZ. Now if you review I would appreciate any tips that you may have for me in regards to things I've missed or conversations that need to be tweaked, etc. It would help me a lot. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 1

_19xx_

_I have proposed to Aoi and I am happy that she accepted it. I also hope that it will keep that man whom she calls a friend away from her. He has, I'm sure, reluctantly stepped aside. I worry that while Aoi has accepted, she does not fully understand what it means to be the wife of a Magus. I hope that this is something that she is ready for. I promised her I would do what I could to make it easier on her, but I never said this marriage would be easy. _

_While I harbor no ill will towards the Matou family, I have never been a fan of Kariya. A few years ago he abruptly severed ties with his family's lineage. I knew that the Matou family was becoming incapable of producing a magus with natural abilities, but from what I had heard; Kariya was born with a natural ability to practice sorcery. And yet he chose to sever ties. He turned his back to his family instead of fighting to restore it to its former glory. It sickened me. Perhaps there are two sides to the story, but I care not to know. It was cowardly to simply walk out on your family. And I was surprised he did it. What more, is that Zouken allowed for it to happen. But I know that he blames Kariya for the thinning of the Matou blood. Maybe that was why he left. I was never told the real reason. _

_I am surprised I am hypothesizing so much on the Matou trouble. I hope I've not grown sentimental._

…

_My daughter Rin is the light of my life, she looks like her mother. I know she will grow up to be something important, I know it. _

_I have decided that I will train her to become a Magus. I will bequeath all of my knowledge from the Tohsaka name and its ancestors to her, when the time comes. I can sense that Rin posses all five elements. This is excellent for a Magus. She will be gifted and I will make sure I do everything in my power to see her succeed._

…

_Already Rin has showed promise in her natural abilities; I am proud she is my daughter and has taken so well to this. While she is eager now, I worry that she does not know what being a Magus entails. It is no easy feat, but she excels, so I must support her and give her everything she needs to be successful. _

…

_I have encountered a problem. Aoi is pregnant again. What does this mean? Have all my plans been for naught? All of my calculations, years of planning. What do I do? For once I have no answers. I simply must wait. Which is something that I do not like to do. Yet, without all the pieces to this puzzle I cannot make a move. I must wait to gather the information I need. For now I simply must support Aoi. She is a good wife, which is not easy especially being married to me. Especially being one to a Magus, but she bares it with great humility. To me she is perfect. However, I must never allow my feelings to come into light. They will betray me. I must remain constantly on edge. I will need to be more diligent, and I must keep my enemies guessing…_

…

_Sakura is as beautiful as ever. She is such a happy girl, it amazes me and I cannot help but smile when she is around. Even Rin is excited to be a big sister to her and loves her dearly already. I have still made it clear that Rin will continue to be trained as a Magus. But what to do with Sakura? In the past, if a Magus has two children then they choose only one to train, if both of them are, they run the risk of competing against each other. Becoming swore enemies, out to take the other's life. I cannot will that on my daughters. They are mine and I will not, and cannot pit them against each other, especially if I have them both trained. Sakura does not possess the Five Elements that Rin does, but she does have the Imaginary Numbers. It is true she her abilities are more in line with the Tohsaka style of mage craft, but I have decided that Rin will be my heir. _

_What to do about Sakura though? Do I leave her as she is? Do I give her minimal training? If she is not prepared, anyone can come in and alter her for themselves. Then I really would have a problem. No I must find another solution to this problem. However long it takes._

* * *

Hi Guys,

I hope you like this update. Again if you have some tips to help me out, that'd be great. I hope you enjoy this chapter, so it's so short.

It's also Tokimoi's birthday, ha.


	3. Chapter 2

_19xx_

_The agreement has been made. He will no longer be studying to become a priest under his father. He will be transferred into the Association and I have now taken over his education. His father agrees with my choice of action. I am thankful that this his father has been such an excellent means of support for me. _

_I have always admired Kirei, and yet sometimes he strikes me as odd, mysterious even. Like he does not know what he seeks from life, nor what he truly wants. His father, Kotomine Risei, once told me that he fully believes his son to understand the distinction between what is good and what is wrong, but believes he finds more happiness in watching the suffering of others and committing sins. I suppose I like him because he has a tendency to be a cold and calculating individual. Even for a supposed man of God. We have a great deal in common I've decided. I truly believe that this partnership will do wonders for us both. _

* * *

_19xx_

_Kirei has told me that his wife passed away, though he did not tell me her name or of what causes. It was then that he noticed the command seals had appeared, merely days after the event. This was apparently the push needed for him to come to the Association and to be my understudy. He did not seem overly sad at her passing but felt that this would indeed help him through the grieving process. And he did make a rather off handed remark. Something about how he hoped marriage would straighten him out and ease his cravings. I did not know what he meant by that, nor did I pry him for the meaning. _

_I must say that I did not picture him to be married. It was almost like that image didn't fit with him. I don't want to say that he and marriage are mismatched but it felt like he wouldn't know what to do with a wife if he had one. While it's true that I am not an overly affectionate person to outsiders, I love my wife and daughters dearly, and would give my life to them if they needed it. However I always remain indifferent if the matter is brought up. If I allow myself to show sentimentality then it may be used against me. I must always have the upper hand, and leave those around me guessing. It will allow me to study more about them and decide upon the most effective way to deal with them._

_Even around Kirei I do not allow myself to show any type of weakness, while I do trust him, I don't think it's fitting for a teacher to show weakness in front of their students. I'm sure that it looks bad, especially when Rin is with us. She desperately wants to please me and while I show minimal enthusiasm when she has done a spell correctly, inside I am beside myself with pride. But the harder I train her, than the higher expectations she will have for herself once she is older. That is why I work her hard. _

_Her newest task is to start working on storing her prana in the jewels. Even Kirei does not know of this. It is something that I've saved especially for Rin. I remember as a child when she discovered my staff with the ruby on it. She was enamored right away. I could tell it was at the beauty and the power it contained. How easily the fire could be manipulated. She promised me right there that she would do whatever I asked of her in her studies. How hard she would work to uphold the Tohsaka name. I knew that I had chosen correctly. _

…

_I find it remarkable how different my daughters are, Sakura is more like her mother. Quiet, soft spoken, doting and passive. She is hard working and loyal. While Rin shares many of the same qualities that Sakura does, Rin is more like myself. She is constantly calculating the pros and cons of the situation. She will refine her abilities, that's for certain, and I have a feeling that she will harden her exterior more as she gets older. _

_The funny thing is that she is often lazy, she works hard to maintain a lady like appearance but she is more of a tomboy. How funny my daughter is. She will allow for one image of herself to be projected in front of people she does not know, but with those she does, she will allow the walls to come down. I worry for her if that is the case. I do not want her to be taken advantage of if she allows for the proverbial wall to disintegrate. Yet again this is an issue that will take time to expose itself. _

_I still have more pressing matters. I've not decided what to do with Sakura yet. Time is quickly slipping away. I must decide soon. _

…

_I have had both Kirei and Rin training together. It is strange, but my daughter does not like him. I briefly over heard her talking to her mother that she does not trust him; I have not said anything to Rin about this matter. I think her views are unfounded; Kirei is a man that I would trust my life with, and he is an excellent student and craves knowledge. His abilities at performing mage craft have increased tenfold since we first started. He is studious pupil and learns all he can._

* * *

Hi guys,

Sorry these chapters are so short, again thanks for reading. Any help is always appriciated


	4. Chapter 3

_19xx_

_Odd, Zouken wishes to speak to me of a matter most pressing. I haven't the idea what it is. However it is cutting into my time training Rin and Kirei. It had better be important._

…

_I came out of Zouken's with mixed emotions. However anger was beginning to trump the logical side. He wished to adopt Sakura into the Matou family so that he could train her. I told him I would have to think on the matter. I did not lie. To have my daughter adopted out of my family. My family, the Tohsaka family. I did not want to have it. Period. She is my daughter. While I greatly respect Zouken, he is not the type of person I would want raising a child. He is cold, more so than myself, and his motives are unclear. His training would be harsh and physically demanding. Sakura is not the type of person to do that. I know she posses great inner strength, I fear it would be too much._

_I sense that what came out of his mouth was a half truth, or an out and out lie. I couldn't sense for sure. The more I think of it, the more I will not have it. How will I tell Aoi? While she agreed not to mettle in my affairs and let me do what is best, this will surly destroy her. She would be asked to give up her daughter. I cannot have her go through that. I cannot go through that._

…

_I am still reflecting on Zouken's proposition. The logical side of me has now kicked in and I now see where he is coming from. Kariya has potential but will not use it. Byakuya has none, and his son, Shinji, has none. It's quite the predicament. It is stressful. But if he was willing to train Sakura at the Matou mage craft, then I shouldn't say no. To be trained would allow for her to remain safe. She could not be easily manipulated. But then I think about how she might be pitted against Rin in another time. I did not want my daughters to fight each other. Having Sakura trained would keep her safe. Wouldn't it? I must make up my mind soon._

…

_I have told Aoi of the plan. She was shocked beyond all belief but made no objections. I wish that I could have chosen the easier route, but this seems like a fool proof plan. However when Aoi thinks she is alone, I hear sobbing. Her anguish is so evident. It makes me second guess myself and my decision. While I know I've done the right thing, it will haunt me forever. I must mask my pain and pretend that it does not affect me. I will have to tell Rin as well. I know that she too will be devastated. She was proud to be a big sister. I know when she is older, she will understand. The burden it is to be a Magus, the decisions we make on behalf of those close to us. To bury the emotions we feel but cannot express. Doing so would cause us to doubt if the right thing had been done. Inside my heart is breaking. This is not going to be easy. My daughter Sakura. Sakura Tohsaka. She will soon become Sakura Matou. She will gain a brother, Shinji a new family and be the light to the Matou family as she was, and still will be, of the Tohsaka family. Yet the hardest part is still to come. I must instruct Rin to keep her distance from Sakura, she will be a distant memory, and we are not to mention her. Pictures the like must be removed. The thought of tossing them out crosses my mind and yet I cannot do it. To cut her out completely of this family, it cannot be done. She is my treasure. Life will simply be altered. But it pains me to think I will not see her smiling face each and every day. Have I really done the right thing?_

…

_Sakura has officially left for the Matou estate. I did my best to remain indifferent; it was devastating to look up at Aoi and Rin trying to bear this burden with humility. They watch from the interior of the house and I while I do not turn to face them, I know that they are silently weeping. Aoi has not outwardly disagreed with my decision but merely accepted it in her role as being the wife of a Magus. I am sure that she does resent me for doing this to her. But again she has not outwardly spoken of it, so my accusations may be baseless. I know it is hard that she cannot visit Sakura at a whim, but I've made it very clear to both her and Rin that all contact is to be nonexistent. And yet I struggle myself with the urge to visit her at the Matou estate simply to see her smile. Her beautiful blue eyes. I have begun to feel sick with guilt over this choice, and yet I keep reassuring myself that I have done what is best. While my head rules my judgment, my heart knows it's wrong what I've done. My conscious will not let me be. I've resorted to simply doing my best to ignore it. My inner turmoil must remain hidden from all._

* * *

_Somehow Kariya has found out of the plans for Sakura. No doubt from Aoi. I knew that he had visited her earlier in the day while I was away. I had hoped that he would stay away when Aoi and I were married and yet it was not the case. Aoi insists that he is simply a friend and wishes to have him in her life. I cannot deny her of that because she asks for so little. He was adored by Sakura, she loved his company. I hope that this will cause him to regain contact with his family. It would make Sakura's adoption less stressful if she had a familiar face in which to confide. But he was not impressed. I must keep my emotions from spilling over should he breech the subject with me. I must think of what I should say. He has no business interfering with my affairs._

…

_It rains hard tonight. I found myself getting distracted by the crackling sounds of the thunder and quick flashes of lightening. I did not have the heart to continue with the training of both Kirei and Rin and yet I told myself I must press on. I cannot allow this sadness to rule my life. There is much work to be done. The Grail Wars are quickly approaching and we must be prepared. I have much to teach Kirei before that happens and should any harm befall me, then I want to teach Rin as much as I can._

_I can see that Kirei seems oblivious to my troubling matter, which is good, means I've not betrayed my inner most feelings, but I see that Rin is struggling. Her head is not in this and I can tell her heart is not either. She has lost her sister, her friend and companion. I still question if I've done the right thing. Rin will never have contact with her sister again and she cannot simply wipe memories away. No matter how hard she wants to. I hope she will not harbor ill will towards me when she is older. I hope that when she is older she will have a better understanding of what transpired. For now she has accepted this, with minimal questioning. _

…

_Kirei and I have begun to think of possible strategies for the upcoming Grail Wars. He has perfected the summoning spell and cares not for which Servant is brought before him. I suppose if I had a choice I would like to summon a Servant of the Saber class. However I am far more pessimistic. I highly doubt it will happen. There has never been a documented piece of evidence that anyone from the Tohsaka family had successfully summoned someone from the Saber class. And there have been three Grail Wars since its creation. _

_I will be pleased with whatever Servant I acquire. I have often wondered if the other Masters have been chosen. I am eager to get this War started. Even if it means there is a chance that I may not return. But that is the way it must be. Call it fate I suppose. Every heir to the Tohsaka family knows that there is a chance there will be a Grail War, they must not turn away from their fate, but quietly accept it. It is what we are born to do._


	5. Chapter 4

_19xx_

_I have sent Aoi and Rin to her family's estate out of Fuyuki City to keep them safer. I will not have them lingering around, in case they may be used as leverage. _

_Privately, I sent them away because it eases my conscience to know they are removed from danger. My entire focus will be dedicated to this War. _

_Aoi has told me that she caught Rin being rather disrespectful to Kriei once again as they were preparing to leave. I do not know why she continues to do this; does she truly have no regard for him? I am surprised she acts this way, I have taught her better than that._

_I should speak with her soon._

_…_

_It has begun. The Servants are being summoned and the Masters are slowly revealing themselves. Kirei had performed the summoning exceptionally and called forth Assassin, Hassan-I Sabbah. It is not simply a single entity but multiple. This is excellent. The plan that we have formulated is, in itself, very simplistic, Kirei's Assassin will act as a reconnaissance for us. Assassin will gather all other information in regards to Masters, their Servants as well as their Noble Phantasms. We will see who we are dealing with in this quest for the Holy Grail. _

_With a Servant like Assassin, they may be sent to multiple locations, doubling our collection of information on the other participants. We do not have to wait long._

_Kirei will be of great support to me during this time, especially with his Servant. But I must be careful that he too is a Master. However, I will cross that bridge when I come to it, but I highly doubt anything will be made of that situation. The Church supports me and my ambitions. It is unlikely they would turn against me, especially since Risei is an ally. That makes his son my ally as well. _

_After all, he entered this war to be of assistance to me, to see my aspirations come true._

_If he does have desires for the Grail; he has not mentioned it to me, but perhaps he does not want to. Such thoughts are not always meant to be voiced. _

_He promised me fealty during this War, and I have taken that seriously. Kirei's father wishes for me to be the victor, with the moderator on my side it seems unlikely that I shall fail in obtaining the Grail._

_However, it is time to stop with all of the speculations of why people do what they do. For now all my efforts must be focused on summoning my Servant and strategies for this War._

_…_

_Alas, it was not someone of the Saber class that I've been paired with. I've been granted an Archer class servant. I am rather pleased; their abilities will be quite beneficial to my goals. I feel a small sense of dread, though. Previously it has been written that during the previous Grail Wars, Servants from the Archer class have been notoriously difficult to control. I have caught myself wondering if this Archer will be rebellious as well. _

_I would hate to expend a Command Seal on something as frivolous as to commanding him to listen to me. It would be such a waste, and put me at a disadvantage early on. _

_…_

_It has only been a short time since his summoning and already Archer demonstrating that he is extremely prideful. He is easily angered by the smallest of things and will not do what I ask if the task appears to be beneath him. He also constantly reminds me that he is a king and thus does not have to perform the tasks I have given him. Already I am becoming frustrated. _

_Ah, the joys of summoning an Archer._

_…_

_The seventh Servant has been summoned; Kirei and I have finalized our plans. He will tell Assassin to go ahead and kill me. I will tell Kirei all about Archer, even to go as far as to saying that Assassin will easily defeat him. But it will be the exact opposite. Archer will appear to have easily defeated him, ending Kirei's participation in the War. This will allow Assassin to move freely, without the other Masters suspecting anything._

_The plan will be put into effect when Assassin makes an attempt to break into the mansion. Of course I should make note that even Risei has been made aware of our plan. _

_Collecting the required information on my enemies will be top priority for me, and I know that I can count of Kirei to assist me in that matter. I do not want to simply rush in battle without a formulated plan. This will greatly help with the creation of the ultimate goal._

_…_

_The plan went off without a hitch. Archer easily 'defeated' Assassin, but that was only one part. Assassin is comprised of multiple people. Losing one will not affect it. _

_Kirei has announced his resignation of the Grail War. He sought sanctuary from his father and it was granted to him, of course. My advantage in this War has been secured. Thanks to our careful planning and Risei's acceptance of this. Now it is time to get on with the battles._

* * *

_19xx_

_We were privy to quite the battle tonight, the information I received from Archer was quite astounding._

_I had sent Archer out to gage the enemies who had already commenced their battles. In return he had encountered both Saber and Lancer. Both of whom were engaged in a battle. However, this battle was halted by the arrival of Rider, which was a variable I was not prepared for. He had foolishly ridden down to the other Servants announcing who he was. Alexander the Great, king of conquerors. _

_I had hoped that Archer would merely watch from the sidelines and not become too involved. That plan was thrown out when Archer found out that both Rider and Saber were kings in their previous life. He had been offended by that and wanted to eliminate them simply because he found them to be unworthy of the title of king. I had remained quiet about this, I knew that Archer was strong and I believed that should he engage any of the Servants, that he would not have a problem. _

_The most unexpected turn of events tonight, was the appearance of the Black Knight, who was shrouded in very strange black mist. Archer was not amused by the way this Knight was constantly eyeing him, it had caused Archer to become enraged._

_I do not know who this Knight's Master is, nor the class in which he belongs to. _

_However, I was not fazed by this Servant and I had allowed Archer to engage him in a battle. _

_I knew he was eager to get involved in this war; he is impatient and does not like to sit idly by. _

_Even now, as I recount this tale, I am no closer to guessing his class than I was earlier this evening. The more I ponder tonight's events I seem to come to the same conclusion, he must belong to the Berserker Class. My reason is simple; he was able to keep up with Archer. Even after Archer unleashed his Gate of Babylon, after expanding it, it was all to no avail._

_Every time that Archer threw one of his swords, this Knight caught it and threw it back. I was surprised at that. I knew Archer would be outmatched. And so I had to sacrifice a Command Seal to withdraw him from the battle. Archer was not impressed. I think he felt his pride was damaged by my recalling him. He will simply have to get over that. But I do believe he still sulks, remaining in my study drinking his preferred brand of wine. _

_He is a bit of contradiction sometimes. Somewhat relaxed and easy going when the time calls for it. Arrogant in battle, easily offended and prideful. He does not forget to tell all those around him that he was the greatest king of them all. Contrary to all his shortcomings, he is a good Servant and I could not have asked for a better one._

_The addition of the newest opponent is but a small wrinkle in the fabric of my tapestry. I will simply need to find out more about him and learn all I can. Starting with who his Master is. Sounds like a mission for Assassin. _

_…_

_There has been a lot of information gathered by Assassin. This plan of reconnaissance is proving to be extremely valuable to me. We may have encountered a problem with Caster and his Master. Kirei has sent out his Servant again tonight. We will see what they come back with._

_…_

_Assassin was able to gather very valuable information in regards to Caster. Caster's Master has been gathering children up and sacrificing them. I am sickened by the notion. How many parents have had their children taken? It must be stopped. Innocent people cannot be made to suffer like this. The only casualties should be Masters. Outsiders remain on the outside for a reason. They are not tools to be used by Servants in these Wars, they are human beings and do not deserve such a horrendous fate._

_When I think of my beautiful Sakura, who I can no longer see every day, I can't help but feel angered. What if she had been one of the children lured away from this house? What if it was Rin? I cannot sit idly by and allow this monster to tear more families apart for the sake of a good time. They will need to be dealt with accordingly. I can almost feel myself wanting to get up, to pace, and think of something, anything to stop this._

_But that is the emotional side of me speaking. And that will need to halt such thinking immediately. I cannot formulate a decent plan with the blood pounding in my ears and my heart racing._

_Let's look at this problem from the logical side. Caster must be stopped. At any cost, and he will be stopped at any cost. _

_And I will be the one to do it. With a little help of course._

* * *

~Hi everyone, thanks for sticking with me. I have edited this chapter thanks to a reviewer who felt the chapter lacked fluidity, I hope I've fixed that. Thanks again for reading. Again if parts have been left out, or anything needs to be tweaked please let me know. Especially with the upcoming chapters.


	6. Chapter 5

_19xx_

_I've returned from Kotomine church after speaking with Risei. There is to be a temporary cease-fire on all aspects of the War until Caster is dealt with. He risks bringing too much attention to the War itself and he must be eliminated. _

_We have devised a most compelling plan in order to gain the assistance of the other Masters and their Servants. We will offer the winner another Command Seal if they successfully take out Caster and his Master. However the plan is fixed. I will be the one to actually defeat him, claiming the Command Seal for myself. It sounds devious, I admit that, but I need to gain that Command Seal back just in case I have a need to expend another. Archer can easily take down this Servant, but I must start planning my attack. Will all the information that was gathered I am sure it should not be difficult. I will simply have to look at all the aspects a Caster class is capable of. I am aware of Caster's attacks so planning accordingly will not be a daunting task. I will review the options once Kirei has arrived. _

* * *

_19xx_

_Rin, my dear daughter. She tries so hard to practice her abilities. I caught her trying to practice in her room on a crystal and transform it. But it shattered. My poor daughter. I can see it frustrates her to fail at this. But we all make mistakes. I have gently instructed her on how to better manipulate her mana. And will these few adjustments she will be able to do it next time. She is dedicated to this and I am proud that she succeeds. However I am not upset when she fails. She will make mistakes. I did when I was learning. It is all about learning where you went wrong and doing it better the next time. I explained more to her on how to control mana and I showed her that the shattered pieces still have value, turning them into a crystal horse. Rin was amazed. _

_Guidance is very important when training a novice mage, what good will it do if you simply break their spirit by berating them for failing. To be a good teacher you must have patience. For some it may come naturally and for others it is a struggle. But it is a struggle that can be overcome. Already Rin shows the qualities needed to be a good Magus, while she is impatient, it will do her well to learn that when something goes wrong, it is not the end of the world. We must pick ourselves up and continue the journey. _

_I wonder, often as a matter of fact, how Sakura makes out with her training. I worry that it might be too taxing for her. She is such a gentle soul and I would hate to see Zouken's training of her diminish that. I know she will press on; she has great fortitude and will see any task to its end and meet it head on._

_I worry, however, that one day, there would be another Grail War in their lifetime, and it means that they both run the risk of being chosen as Masters. What then? As sisters, will they truly seek the other's demise? Again I regret what I've done to her. Logic always reassures my heart that it was for the best, she cannot be manipulated if she is trained. Yet how I wish I was the one who was in charge of training her. To keep her by my side. To look every day at the two daughters I was blessed with. I long for my family to be completed again. But it is a pipe dream. The world of Mages is harsh. And I learned that from a very early age. Mentally, physically and emotionally it eats away at you. It is my fate. _

_Being a Magus is demanding and I have often caught myself wondering, as of late, is it truly worth it? Is it worth the pain and suffering my loved ones have endured for the sake of tradition? The emotional and logical sides, namely my heart and my head, often battle it out, leaving me with no real answers and more confused than ever. My heart tells me to stop; it is not worth it to continue to hurt those I love; yet my head says it is tradition. We must uphold the great Tohsaka name. I knew what it meant to be the head of my family, but was I truly ready for what it actually entailed? I honestly, now, cannot answer that truthfully. All my head tells my heart is that it is fate. This is merely our fate. _

…

_Her spell could have killed her. Foolish girl, what was she thinking? I will not lose another daughter. Yet she looked up at me with such admiration, such a willingness to continue to push on. I wanted to yell and scream at her for being so foolhardy to think her level of mage craft was at the level required for the spell. But it is her eagerness that it compelling me not to scold her to act in a rash manner. No. I remember my promise to myself. I would always be gentle when offering guidance. All she wishes to do is simply help me in any way she can. However small._

_I have given her a small trinket to show that I believe in her abilities and in her. A compass. It can detect mana and she accepted it with great respect. Yet her smile indicated she was more than excited to receive a gift from me. I know it will serve her well into her future. I am pleased that I entrusted it to her. _

…

_I have a foolish, foolish daughter on my hands. How dare she? Does she not realize that she had come into contact with another Master? Did she not know that she was disobeying my orders to stay out of Fuyuki City? I was livid when I found out. Aoi had told me when she arrived with Rin late in the evening. Livid does not actually describe the emotions that ran through me in such a short amount of time. Anger, rage, disbelief, fear, amazement, pride and so many more passed through my head._

_Rin was apparently worried for her friend, Kotone, who had be absent from school for several days. I had not realized how affected the public was becoming. How foolish of me. A child was found dead that went to Rin's school and she attended his funeral. How could I have been so blind?_

_I have no doubt that this is the work of Caster. That fiend. I do hope I get the pleasure of eliminating him myself. I struggled again with the emotional side of me. It took much convincing from my logical side not to leave and seek him out myself. He would pay for what he did to Rin, and to those other children…_

_Yet I was amazed at how she was able to deduce what the problem was. She had used her new compass to search for his mana, and she found it. She caught the Master in the act of kidnapping children and had secretly followed him to his hideout. There she had apparently found her missing friend. But it drew the attention of the Master and he wanted to capture her using a spell. But my resourceful daughter quickly deducted that the spell was drawing its power from a bracelet, no doubt given to him by Caster. She had quickly grabbed and using what I had just taught her, destroyed the bracelet and the children were able to go free. I could not stop the immense pride I felt when I was told that part. My daughter Rin had done that. She had saved innocent people, not just people, children, from a horrid fate at the hands of Caster. _

_But she was not completely in the clear yet, as Caster had sent these monsters after my daughter. I was fearful when Aoi told me this part. Fear that I would have lost her so easily, that I would have lost another daughter._

_But fate is funny that way I suppose, because none other than Kariya Matou saved her. _

_He brought her to a nearby park and simply waited until Aoi had come looking for her. _

_It was what he said to her that had me annoyed and angered at the same time. _

_He had informed Aoi that he plans to win this war to release Sakura from Zouken. I do not understand why. Why would this louse mettle in my affairs like that? What purpose does it serve? Does he not know that the training Sakura is receiving from Zouken is, in actuality, beneficial to her?_

_What is clear to me now, are his motives. He is not in the War to have the Grail grant his wish. He wants to win to restore my family. However I am sure the family restoration is without me. It seems after all these years his feelings for Aoi have not changed. Now that my daughters are in the picture I am almost certain he wishes to be in my place. That is goal. To replace me and, in essence, take my family and make it his own. _

_I simply cannot have that._

* * *

Hello again! Hope this chapter is to your liking! Please review for tips and suggestions! Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 6

_19xx_

_I have come to the conclusion that Archer is none too pleased with the way I have been handling this war. He is still sitting and drinking his wine. I am doing what I believe to be best. As my Servant he may not agree but he will listen. I'll leave him to enjoy that wine. Kirei has just arrived, I will go over tonight's events and we will sit and plan another strategy. _

…

_I have sent Archer out again tonight. He has come into contact with both Saber and Rider. This was a problem; apparently these three kings had a bit of an exchanging of words. Each pointing out the other's flaws in their method of kingship and their reasons for wanting the Grail. But it was the arrival of Assassin that seemed to be the most detrimental to my plans. Assassin seemed to be begging for a fight. But instead Rider offered wine. Wine. A peace offering? I hardly have any idea what his motives are. But apparently once the offer was declined, Rider had decided to show the other two kings just how powerful he is. I have deduced that Rider is rather boastful. Willing to take on any challenge offer and does not pass up an opportunity to show off his skills. Which he clearly did with Assassin. Rider unleashed another of his Noble Phantasms and revealed that he has an entire army at the ready. An army. And what more, by releasing this Phantasm, he had utterly destroyed Assassin. _

_We are now at a disadvantage. _

_Archer is also proving to be more of a liability than ever before, a loose cannon. His demonstration of how to be a leader had clashed with the other's ideals. I am surprised he took it so well when they did not agree. I was afraid that it would cause him to have another tantrum._

_This behaviour is unacceptable, and I will have to quell this behaviour soon._

_Speaking of, Archer does not seem to care for his transgressions, for he is downstairs once again enjoying some wine. _

_Kirei is understandably upset. He believes that now his Command Seals are gone he is of little use to me. However that is simply not the case. It does not mean that I count him out of this war yet; he is still a great source of support to me. I will show him how he can help, now that he is truly out of this war. _

_One thing I do find troubling is the constant interaction between Archer and Kirei. I suppose it's nothing, but I have found them to be spending a great deal of time together. I'm sure that I am merely looking too much into this. Archer is my Servant and I his Master. Kirei does have a place in this, but merely as support. Nothing more and nothing less. He is a good man an even better ally. _

_Although, sometimes, Kirei comes out of these conversations rather…different. Like something has shook him to the core and made him reevaluate certain aspects of who he is, and what he wants from his life. I sincerely hope that it is not Archer degrading him. _

…

_I have found out that Rider's Noble Phantasms are on par with Archer's. It was very wise not to engage in battle with him when the opportunity presented itself. It was the correct move to wait and see the full power he truly had. Patience, it seems, was, again, the right move. The time has come, with the intelligence collected, to engage the other Masters in battle. I am sure that Archer will be pleased._

…

_The single biggest battle in this war so far has been concluded. Even as I write this now, I simply cannot begin to wrap my mind around what had transpired. I hope that by recounting it, it will help see my errors and where I need to make improvements._

_Caster was not dealt with effectively, nor in a timely manner, and ended up resorting to complete and utter chaos in order to see his objective met. His Master did nothing to stop him; truly they were a match made in heaven._

_Caster had managed to manipulate himself into a grotesque monster and had the potential to terrorize all of Fuyuki. Undoubtedly, this drew the attention of the other Masters, including myself. With the temporary cease fire in effect we gathered to put an end to this nightmare. I had wanted to defeat Caster myself, but fate is funny that way. Instead the majority of the battle was fought by Saber, Lancer and Rider teaming up to end the madness. However, Caster's regenerating powers were immense. Much like Hydra from the Greek legends, the appendages simply grew back. Clearly it was not going to do any good to just hack away at this beast like fools. He needed to be attacked at once, with a single powerful attack._

_I knew that Archer would be able to easily defeat him. Up until that point both Archer and I were merely spectators, observing the other Servants try their hand at eliminating Caster. _

_Archer's vanity was sickening during this ordeal. He simply stated that if the three Servants below could not defeat him then they were pathetic and unworthy. He would simply not defeat him because he viewed the battle as beneath him and would not unleash Ea. Internally I was shocked. I did not understand the hostility. Did he not want to have the Grail Wars back on track? I could not appeal to his vanity, his distorted ego. It was becoming quite clear that I am losing control of Archer. I worry that he sees me as a Master in name only and nothing more. I fear that I am only able to control him, for now, because he is too powerful if left alone. _

_As if these realizations were not enough, we were interrupted by that louse Kariya Matou. I was rather perturbed simply for the reason that I did not want to have to banter with the likes of him. There were more pressing matters at hand. Sadly he challenged me to a fight, I knew that I was not going to get anywhere with Archer and I left to deal with Kariya myself._

_I had known that this confrontation was coming for some time and I had formulated what I would say to him if we met, given the circumstances of his grievances with me. Yet my thoughts were not on this confrontation but they remained on Archer. I was still angered and frustrated that he would have the gull to turn his back on something as important as this. _

_I noticed, on my way to engage Kariya in a fight, that Berserker also made an appearance. His sights were set on Archer. I was hardly worried; this was something that he could handle on his own. I wondered now if I should have been worried, given the fact that Berserker had the ability to negate Archer's Noble Phantasms, yet I did not care. I know it was because of how arrogant he had acted towards this battle. While we may appear to be helping the enemy, it is only due to the fact that the War had gotten off of track. Nothing more. _

_Kariya was angered, how much he had changed since I last saw him. The left side was paralyzed and his hair now white. I hardly had any ideas as to what was causing this transformation, but in truth, I did not care. Nor did he, as he was fixated on this personal vendetta he has against me. I did not know that he was still upset that Aoi had agreed to my proposal all those years ago. But did not anticipate what he was truly angry over. _

_He had demanded my explanation for giving Sakura away to his family and to Zouken. I had known that he would most likely ask me that, and I had prepared a lengthy response. I would never let him know the pain that I live with everyday, the regret I feel and how I wish there was some way I could go back and revert my decision. I simply stated that it was for the benefit of both my daughters. That way they both could become a respected Magus in their own right. Both have exceptional talents, but only one was to be privy to the Tohsaka family secrets. I told Kariya that he would never understand because he turned his back on his family so many years ago. Now to simply reappear, pretending to know how the world of the Magi works? It is laughable. To really enrage him I added that giving the Matous a proper heir would ensure that one family would eventually secure the Grail, making the winner's family's legacy live on. _

_Truly I did not believe that, that is my greatest fear. Another Grail War would pit my daughters against each other. I struggled with the decision at the time. I have not gotten over it. I will never get over it. However I would never tell him my inner most thoughts. _

_Kariya was outraged that I broke up my family. To which I responded that he was hopeless to understand the tradition or pride that is essential to a Magus family. I told him that I would not hold either of them back. Their potential is too great. But I felt myself wish that I could have trained Sakura as well. No matter the consequences. _

_He had had enough talk and prepared to attack, but his levels of mage craft are subpar to mine and I easily over powered him. I sent him off of the roof, burning in agony. I regretted nothing. Casualties are a natural part of this war, and truly I was pleased that it was Kariya I dispatched. But I was overwhelmed by sense of regret as this was someone who Sakura had taken to. With him gone she was truly alone now. I had acted too rash and did not think of the outcome._

_I told myself not to dwell on the incident and turn my attention back to Caster. But he was gone, obliterated by Saber, so I was told. Berserker lost interest in Archer when he discovered Saber; the notion is odd, very odd. However in order for Saber to unleash Excalibur she needed concentration, thus Archer and Rider took it upon themselves to deal with Berserker. It was puzzling that Archer chose that time to be noble and not before. His actions continue to puzzle me. _

_Clearly this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in a very timely manner. I am starting to lose control of Archer, and it will do me no good in this war to have a Servant I cannot control, even Archer. _

* * *

_19xx_

_The previous night, I have not slept well. Something is gnawing at my brain. I have been feeling that soon there will be a major event occurring in this War, even larger than the battle with Caster. _

_I cannot shake this feeling. I feel like death will soon pass over me. Dread sits heavily on my chest. I cannot determine what will happen, but I do know that this only the beginning and my fate is tied to the outcome of this War. I am starting to think that the outcome will not be good for me._

…

_Risei has been murdered. I cannot fathom who would kill the moderator of this war. I am thoroughly shocked. My one other ally, has been eliminated. My advantage has been lost. Truly now, am alone in this Grail War. I need to start planning alternatives. It seems now I will have to prepare for battle. Saber, Rider and Berserker will be a challenge to defeat. I had known that I would face losses in this battle, but truly not within the Church. _

…

_Now with Risei's death firm in my mind I have decided to ally myself with Saber's Master, who is part of the Einzbern family. Irisviel is a homunculus, something the Einzbern's have prided themselves on. They have agreed to meet with me and discuss our partnership. Kirei has agreed to come with me. Perhaps not on the outside but internally I could feel it. I arrived home but I was still restless. Recounting this meeting, putting the words on paper makes me realize that fate has drawn its hand. Again this feeling of dread set upon me and I suddenly wished to have my affairs in order. _

_I went to Aoi and begged her forgiveness again for sending Sakura away. Again she forgave me but was still shocked that I had approached her like this. I knew I was worrying her. She knew that something wasn't right. I did not confess to her what my fears were. She did not need that burden. She hugged me, and I held her embrace for as long as I could without her becoming suspicious. I assured her that I was alright, when I knew I was not. I told her I loved her, loved our family and that I wished I could have done things differently. _

_When I prepare to leave for this meeting I will summon Rin, I have two gifts to give to her. A book, it will be useful to her in the coming years, and I will impart some wisdom to her. She is a bright girl and I know she will make the Tohsaka name proud._

_Yet I wish that I too, could see Sakura one last time. Again my decisions have come back to haunt me. It seems I will never be absolved from them._

…

_The meeting was quick. Saber was there to guard her Master as was another woman who had no part in this. I simply stated that I believed we should form this alliance to ensure that outsiders do not obtain the Grail. Irisviel, as she is called, had made a rather odd request. If they were to agree to this partnership, than Kirei would have to be pulled from this war. I did not know that they were aware of his position now that he did not have a Servant. True, Kirei went out to do his work that was beneficial to me, but I never asked, nor did he tell me. All he mentioned to me upon his return was that he interacted with other Master's but did not have the chance to properly eliminate them. They wanted him gone because he poses the greatest threat to one Kiritsugu Emiya. I had heard only briefly about his involvement in the War, he was a Magus killer dispatched by the Einzbern's to secure their victory in the Grail War. But we did not have the pleasure of meeting, yet. _

_Normally I would have turned around and left at such demands. Kirei was my partner and vital to me. But now…now things were different. My ally, they Church, was no more. Kirei had no Servant upon which to rely, only his abilities as a Magus and the training he received from the Church. I no longer had the upper hand in this War. It was time to face up to the truth. I had become desperate. _

_I hastily agreed that I would remove Kirei from this War and send him away, and I did truly mean it. _

_We ended there. I never pictured myself to be one who would crave an alliance, but I was becoming desperate. _

_Once I had returned home, I summoned Kirei. I also have two things I want him to know. I plan to make him Rin's guardian in case I should not make it out of this War. I know that Rin will not like it, but it ties in with my second gift. I will give Kirei the Azoth dagger as a sign that he has successfully completed the training I have had him do for all these months. It officially marks the end of his apprenticeship. This way, as Rin continues her lessons, Kirei will be able to successfully guide her. _

_Ah, Kirei has arrived._

* * *

Hi all, I'm alive. I hope you enjoy the chapter, don't worry I'm not done with it yet. I do have a few more plans for this story yet. Thoughts and comments are always helpful. Or if there are points that I missed out, on feel free to let me know!


	8. Chapter 7

I never liked to dwell on my childhood. I would pretend to others that it didn't bother me. Inwardly I was always heartbroken the way things had turned out for my family. Devastation and loss are common factors in a Magus family but we aren't devoid of emotions. Loss hurts. Perhaps even more so to a Magus because we need to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and continue as though nothing had happened. Pride and elegance must trump humility inelegance. It is just the way fate is for a Magus family.

I closed the book slowly and looked up. The grey morning almost seemed to parallel my inward emotions. I looked at the tea I had made all those hours ago untouched and now cold.

Finding my father journal only left so many more questions. Again I had no answers. I had had no one to speak to about the events of the Fourth Holy Grail War. Kotomine would always avoid the question when I asked him directly. Always ignoring it. I remember when my father never returned how I had yelled, screamed and cried that he had failed in his one promise to me: protect my father. How odd that once my father had died my mother met mysterious circumstances herself. Something had happened to her, and once again Kotomine was silent when those questions were asked.

I was never angry that I had to grow up fast or alone. Alone. That was often how I felt. No family to look after me and comfort me in my times of need. My sister was a part of another house, I couldn't talk to her. I faced the death of my father alone. My mother's sudden illness depraved her of a normal life after the Grail War. I remember wheeling her up to the cemetery, how she prattled on and on about how my father would need a new suit, and Sakura would need a new dress. She was completely unaware her husband was dead and her daughter no longer existing within her house.

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. It has been so many years since then and I didn't understand why the wounds didn't heal why they continued to feel as fresh as they did when I was a child.

However, reading my father's journal confirmed many things that I inwardly suspected. My father was not heartless. Underneath the façade, he cared deeply for his family and always would. He loved my mother and his daughters until the day he died, and even when he came to the decision to gave Sakura to Zouken. Of course I knew that had he known the seedy way Zouken conducted his 'magic,' I knew that my father would have been up and over to the Matou estate in a heartbeat to save her from him. But he didn't. Magus families do not go around telling other Magus families their secrets. It just doesn't happen. I always believed my father was innocent in the ways of the Matou magic. It was evident that he struggled with choice he made and regretted it, had he survived the Grail War, I think he would have his entire life. The way he wrote about Sakura indicated his love for her.

And his complete and utter blindness to Kotomine. That was my father's downfall, he trusted him completely. Blind faith.

I smiled. However I was able to deal a bit of rough justice in that sense. Allowing Shirou to deal him a final blow with the gift from my father. I felt, in a small way, vindicated. He had failed in a simple task of keeping my father safe and so he died. He was simply evil.

But I stopped to think of that a bit more. From what my father had written about him, it seems that Kotomine was not as evil as he turned out to be. My father potrayed him as a man struggling with self discovery, what did he truly want in life. It was towards the end of my father's entries did he seem to show Kotomine in a new light. It was always after these conversations with Archer.

I felt myself smile again. How ironic that I, too, continued the Tohsaka tradition of never being able to summon a Saber class Servant. My father summoned an Archer, as did I. But what really shocked me was who that Archer was, Gilgamesh. My father summoned such a servant. How my father summoned goldy was beyond me. It seemed to me that the ten year gap between the Fourth and Fifth Holy Grail Wars didn't alter his persona in the slightest. Some things never change.

I reread the last entry in the journal, and thought it was odd how it just finished like that. My father had met with Saber and her master of the Einzbern family. There was no indication of any sinister backstabbing. After all, my father had returned home safely, returned to the study and summoned Kotomine. But all of a sudden it was over. I sighed. I wanted to know the truth. I desperately wanted to piece together my father's last moments. What had happened to him? Any person who might have known was dead. Saber and Gilgamesh were no longer here, Kotomine was dead…who was left? I suddenly realized why it continued to hurt so much. Closure. That's what I wanted. It was something I never thought about all these years. I just accepted it. Fate, dealt its hand and the outcome was not good for my father. I simply brushed it aside and moved on. I had to be strong, for my mother. By seeking closure…maybe then I could start to heal.

I stared at the journal on the desk. It was all I had left of my father. Proof that all those unfounded accusations against him were false. He was an excellent Magus and a loving father. I never doubted his integrity.

I reached to pick the journal up and I was bringing it to me, my elbow hit the desk and I dropped it over the side. I sigh and reached down to pick it up. But I held my breath. The journal had bounced and remained open. Except…it wasn't my father's writing. I felt my cheeks redden. This script, I was certain, belonged to Kotomine. And there, at the top was a corner of the paper missing. The same size as the scrap of paper I found earlier. Even though that paper's writing didn't belong to Kotomine it was a perfect fit. I picked up the journal and noticed that the last 100 or so pages towards the end of the journal were filled with Kotomine's writing. I read the first sentence.

_What do I want from this War? Gilgamesh asks a good question. What do I want? I admit he has been asking me a lot of questions. Forcing me to look at myself. I do not understand why Tohsaka's Servant has a sudden interest in me. I have decided that I will seek the answers I crave when I face Emiya. He is the only one in this War that is on par with my abilities. Defeating him, I will get my answers._

I looked up. He seemed…so normal here. An individual looking for purpose and would get it through, rather devious means. This Emiya was Shirou's father. While my father didn't mention if he had contact with him after the entries stopped, it seemed that Kotomine had, or would. It seems the puzzle was expanding instead of growing smaller. I set the journal down. If I would read this…it may lead me to my answers. I left the study and went to my bedroom. I had to be ready for anything. This man was as two faced as they came. I dressed and headed back to the study, looking at the familiar pictures with such a profound understanding now that I smiled. I entered and sat at the desk once more. This would give me answers. I knew it.

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What do you guys think? Comments and reviews are always helpful! Thanks for reading.


	9. Chapter 8

I don't know why I didn't start reading it. The book was lying open in front of me. Why couldn't I do it? I found myself picking it up, setting it down and looking around the room. As if the ghosts of the past would enter this very room. What would they say? I was scared. What would I find if I read on? I had already learned a great more about my father, what kind of man he was. It solidified certain aspects I had always known to be true about his character, but it shed light on others. And some of it was not was not what I was expecting, certainly not from a man whom I loved so dearly, he was so perfect in my eyes. He had ruthlessly killed his enemy Kariya without a second thought. At the time. Later, he wrote about regretting it, mainly for Sakura's sake. But I was still horrified. That he was capable of doing something like that. I had liked Kariya too. He was gentle, kind and liked both myself and Sakura. But from how my father had written about him, he seemed to be like some sort of pest that was constantly interfering with his business and had loved my mother. Though it seemed merely one sided, and she did not return his love. But she remained his friend. I was confused. So many missing pieces. How does one put them together again? I sighed. Picked up the book again and scanned the first page. Nothing. No clues, hints or anything. Simply conversations with Gilgamesh. By the looks of it, it was very frequent. Each time they left Kotomine questioning his value system and what his goal is in life.

I flipped the pages, more conversations with Gilgamesh, nothing new. Then it hit me. It was Gilgamesh; he was shaping Kotomine into something. If he wasn't a backstabbing man before, it was Gilgamesh who helped turn him into one. Some of the passages simply repeated what my father had written. There was the entry in regards to his Servant being eliminated, again more talks with Gilgamesh. I frowned; I was beginning to hate him in a whole new light now. I scanned more pages.

There was something new; the battle between Caster…Saber eliminated him. My father losing control of Gilgamesh, his clash with Kariya, Kariya's death. I gasped.

_There was this shell of a man lying before me. Dying. In pain, I could see it. I marveled at it. How fragile the human life is. So easily overcome by something so much more stronger. I have no doubt that Tohsaka is behind this. This man despises everything Tohsaka is. Stole his love and separated his daughters. How petty. Archer was right to call this man a rabid dog, for that's all that he is. Yet I am fascinated by his struggle. No, no, I think I'll play with him a bit longer. I will heal him. See what he can accomplish by remaining alive. Take on his arch nemesis? What will he do? He knows he cannot win against Tohsaka. Ah, but that's the fun in it, isn't it?_

I was horrified. Such a change in demeanor, so little time. I knew it had to be Gilgamesh. He was toying with this man. He was allowing Kotomine to be deluded into pure anarchy of his self governance. What was this Grail War truly about then? It was taking on a life of its own…

I didn't understand, I thought he was out of the War because his Command Seals had been taken away. Why was he still such an active member. Then it hit me. My father. He was still my father's trusted man. My father wasn't eliminated yet. I was feeling uneasy. Kotomine was building towards something. He had to be.

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Hi everyone,

I apologize it's taken me so long to update, and again sorry it's so short. Life has been getting in the way, but I thought I'd take some time to get something down. Let me know what you guys think. All feedback is appreciated.


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